Dear Erin,
To state the obvious, right from the get go, you are not the only author who would find themselves in the back of the sketchy unmarked van offering office supplies. There would be an entire entourage of authors waiting there for you. (Plural here? Gaggle, Murder, Glaring or Mess????) In fact, this may be the best method for us to get together in the future. No high-priced plane tickets. No actual driving across the country ourselves. Just an unmarked van and a date with pens and notebooks. Honestly, it sounds like a better plan than any other more organized arrangements we might make.
Plans are that way, you know. Always working out when you least expect it, and never working out when you think you’ve got it made. Really, I think true planning is for ninnies (What’s a ninny, you say? Well, I haven’t a clue. I think I heard it last in Peter Pan…) For instance, I am currently pretending to open one of those Independent Bookstores you were mentioning. It’s all happened rather accidentally, and yet it also seems to keep trundling along. I’m not sure how. It’s kind of like when I started dating my husband. I’d never really dated anyone before, so I always assumed we’d break up. That’s how it goes, you know. You date a person. You break up. You date a person. You break up. It’s the way of the things, the pattern. But you see, we just never broke up. And then one day, I was sitting there and it occurred to me that we were going to get married. How did that happen? Who’s to say? So that’s how I’m accidentally and maybe opening a bookstore. If it ever happens and we have a grand opening, I promise to act completely surprised and to sell you office supplies in a legitimate fashion, so you don’t have to climb into sketchy vans in your spare time.
Of course, sometimes things don’t work out either. That’s the way of flipping a coin. For instance, this last week I finished the final edits on my current manuscript and so I sat down to write a query for, you know, querying. And it’s not that I don’t know how to write a query, I do, but the whole thing seemed like such a big, fat pain. I mean, one doesn’t read the entire archive of QueryShark with getting some sort of query knowledge in their brain, but the truth of it is that querying still comes to feel like a crapshoot. So there I was, attempting to write a query, and feeling the hopelessness of it all (as one does when one has to sum up 441 pages of story in two supposedly mind-blowing paragraphs) and instead of writing an actual query, I wrote the query I’m going to go ahead and include below.
This is the things though, the very hilarious and unplanned thing: it was the best query I’ve ever written. For reals. And I wrote it in 10 minutes. 10 minutes! Completely unplanned, and the best I’d ever done. And all because I decided to give up on ALL fronts and write a query letter story instead of a query. No surprise, but stories are so much better. Unfortunately, I’m not sure this query is really meant for the light of day. I mean the whole missive is very tongue in cheek and while it hits the “required points” of a query without even trying (see my previous study of entire archive of QueryShark, above) it does so in a rather meandering and ironic fashion that might mean a lot to querying authors, but probably means less to overworked agents.
The point of all this being, I’m not really sure what makes some things turn out and some things fail. What’s really wrong with giving a reading in the co-op grocery store and who’s to say it would turn out better in an independent bookshop? Although, I will say this: if my imaginary bookstore ever DOES come into existence you’ll be welcome to come read there. I’ll take the cue-card-comments about fun family activities, if that’s what you really want to share, but what I’m really looking for are math explanations and latin class essays. Just saying.
Jamie
p.s. There are em dashes and en dashes?????
p.s. Please enjoy my query letter. Someone should:
Dear Agent,
I would like to tell you what this book is about, but it is just too hard. I spent the last several months writing 441 pages of verse (29,000 words) and I hereby admit defeat at the hands of the God of Queries. Not for lack of trying, I assure you. Just for lack of success.
If you’re insistent on having some idea of what I’ve written, let’s keep it simple: Miranda was under a spell when she promised to marry Ferdinand, the Prince of Milan. And now that she’s awake, she’s got problems. It turns out “Love At First Sight” isn’t real, apologies to Mr. Shakespeare, and that defeating her power-hungry father is going to take stealing a spaceship, freeing a meteor sprite, and figuring out how to use the magical keys her future mother-in-law insists on being so cryptic about.
If you’re confused about what Miranda has to do next, be assured, so is she. Which is why this book has three endings—depending on what mood you’re in—so you can have it end however you like. I was told to make it splashy, and I did, but some people are telling me it might be too much. You can’t lose for trying. (Although Kristin Cashore messed with endings in Jane, Unlimited and Laurel Snyder did it in in Orphan Island too.)
As for whether this query matches the overall tone of the book I’m currently calling Tempest Tossed, I’ll admit it doesn’t. I’m sick of writing that way and am off to new vistas. I’ve written middle grade and picture books too, in addition to a YA fantasy called Bearskin (Cedar Fort Publishing: 2015). All of this to say, if you’re looking for a well-rounded writer trained by the likes of VCFA’s Writing for Children and Young Adults program (who obviously can’t write a query to save her life) look no further.
Best of luck to you, and here’s to hoping you got bored enough to read some queries today. I’ve sent this off to you (and a gaggle of agents limited to the fingers of one hand) as it seems you might have a sense of humor. By sometime next week I’m sure I’ll feel properly horrified by my gimmicky behavior and edit my real query for full release. For now, I’m going to go edit a few pages for my homegrown editing business and tend my six children. Apparently they want dinner.
Best to you and yours and anyone, ANYONE who might be willing to publish my book,
Jamie Robyn Wood
Best query letter I've ever read. But, alas, I am not an agent or a publisher, so what say do I really have?
I’ve never read a query, nor do I really know what one is, but if I read this, I’d want to read the book.